Posts Tagged ‘military coup’

Alpaca Overlord Week: Introducing Population Control

My dear minions, it has come to my attention that there are a ridiculous amount of you out there. An unsustainable amount, if you will.

Since it is my duty now to care for you, I have decided to introduce a measure of population control. Oh, don’t worry, there won’t be forced sterilization or anything like that – where’s the fun?

Instead, each of you shall be sheared (and we’ll see how YOU like it) and then you will be randomly paired against one of your fellow human beings in a death cage match, which will be televised for my llamas. And then, the winner of said match will be fed to crocodiles.

Mmmm, it will be glorious. The carnage. The blood.

If you’re lucky, you’ll be paired off against an infant, or possibly your own grandmother. And if you lose to your grandmother, well, you deserve your fate. (Your grandmother, however, may be worthy of placement within my army).

And then, when I tire of that I – hey! How’d you get in here? No! Guards! GUA-

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Let this be a lesson, Squiders – look through the front door before you open it. You never know what nefarious types may be lurking on the other side.

Luckily for everyone, it turns out that alpaca are not very big. And llamas are kind of dumb. And none of them have opposable thumbs, so I think the revolution was probably doomed from the onset.

But back to business as usual. Just a note – we’ll be moving from a MWF posting schedule to a T/Th posting schedule for the summer, starting the week of June 18th. Don’t be confused! We’ll probably go back again, come September, unless we all decide that we like the other schedule better.

Secondly, a moment of silence please for Ray Bradbury, who was a master of speculative fiction and a darn nice man to boot. I saw him a few times at San Diego Comic-con and it was always a pleasure to hear him speak. He will be missed.

Alpaca Overlord Week: My Rise to Power

Today, I will tell you, my minions, of how I overcame Kit and her accursed landsquid to rise above the odds, to conquer trials and tribulations, and to inspire you with feelings of my greatness.

And to warn you that if you ever attempt anything similar, I shall crush you underneath my hooves and destroy everything and everyone you have ever loved.

Remember: top-secret and highly-trained genetically-engineered llama spies. EVERYWHERE. Even, possibly, your cat. I will know what you’re thinking possibly even before you yourself know. SO BEWARE.

I started with the Landsquid. Oh, he thought he was so smart, sticking ceiling turtles over my fence and inviting me over to watch sporting events and drink cocoa and occasionally foiling my schemes to steal all the top hats. Thought I’d never realize what he was up to. WELL. It was easy enough to suggest we watch the game at my house instead, and then, when he came over, I locked him in the basement with all those Sky Shark-forsaken ceiling turtles.

When I close my eyes, I can still hear his cries. Delightful.

Kit was a bit harder since I am, after all, a fictional character, but luckily I’ve seen enough Star Trek the Next Generation to learn from one Professor James Moriarty on how to break the fourth wall and escape into a world one was never supposed to belong to. Bwhahahaha!

I’m sure she never suspected she’d have to contend with her own creations. That’s the only way I can explain her total lack of preparedness. After all, she created me, so one would hope she was usually more up to snuff in terms of international espionage and hostage situations.

And that, my dear peons, as they say, is that. By the by, I did not receive nearly as many tributes as I expected yesterday. You have one last chance and then – llamas.

Alpaca Overlord Week: How to Worship Your New Leader

Greetings, minions. It is I, your new overlord, the Alpaca. As is befitting my takeover of this blog (and shortly, the world), I have graciously put together this list of instructions so you may show your gratitude and awe in the most appropriate manner. Follow them, and you shall be rewarded. Disobey them, and the consequences shall be severe. Even now my network of carefully brainwashed and trained super llamas are infiltrating your every day life. You never know who could be one of them. It could be your grandmother. It could be your yoga instructor. Do not defy me.

1) There shall be no mention of my former rival.
Obviously, I have prevailed, and he does not deserve my respect. Obviously I am aware that the title of the blog remains the same. Something about passwords and firewalls and blah blah blah. I had my technician executed.

2) Everyone must learn the difference between an alpaca and a llama.
Alpaca are clearly superior, and I will not have our good name smeared by association with those callous louts.

3) No petting.
I bite.

4) All Cheez-Its are hereby banned.
Cocoa is allowed. And delicious.

5) Tribute shall be gathered on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
This leaves you free on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays to come here and read my wisdom, and leave properly adoring comments. Additional tribute will be accepted on Saturdays and Sundays but, at the moment, are not required. You may praise my mercifulness.

Actually, it turns out that writing out a list of instructions is all a bit tedious. I grow bored, and so I leave you with this, my peons: worship me, adore me, and do not betray me, and you will be, if not rewarded, not punished. Do what you will to ensure your safety. Further instruction and wisdom will follow. I DO expect tributes tomorrow, so do not be late.

Public Service Announcement

I’m sure you’ve all realized that yesterday’s post is a little late. There’s a very good reason for this. You see, after much thought and deliberation, I have decided to turn over control of this blog to the Alpaca and change its name to–

HELP HELP HE HAS MY CAT AND MY POKEMON AND HE SAYS

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Greetings, it is I, your new Alpaca Overlord. What Kit was trying to say is that, in her professional opinion, this blog needs a new direction. And I will give you that new direction, even if I must crush it into your puny skulls. AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.

So, please, return on Monday for our new programming. Until then, please enjoy this lovely piece of propaganda. Even young alpaca can be fearsome. You would do well to remember that.

(And if you find you still have time after that, I guess it won’t hurt to tell you that Kit has a new short story up at Turtleduck Press. Though I must say that I do not approve of the name. THEY WILL BE NEXT.)