Posts Tagged ‘sky sharks’

Alpaca Overlord Week: My Rise to Power

Today, I will tell you, my minions, of how I overcame Kit and her accursed landsquid to rise above the odds, to conquer trials and tribulations, and to inspire you with feelings of my greatness.

And to warn you that if you ever attempt anything similar, I shall crush you underneath my hooves and destroy everything and everyone you have ever loved.

Remember: top-secret and highly-trained genetically-engineered llama spies. EVERYWHERE. Even, possibly, your cat. I will know what you’re thinking possibly even before you yourself know. SO BEWARE.

I started with the Landsquid. Oh, he thought he was so smart, sticking ceiling turtles over my fence and inviting me over to watch sporting events and drink cocoa and occasionally foiling my schemes to steal all the top hats. Thought I’d never realize what he was up to. WELL. It was easy enough to suggest we watch the game at my house instead, and then, when he came over, I locked him in the basement with all those Sky Shark-forsaken ceiling turtles.

When I close my eyes, I can still hear his cries. Delightful.

Kit was a bit harder since I am, after all, a fictional character, but luckily I’ve seen enough Star Trek the Next Generation to learn from one Professor James Moriarty on how to break the fourth wall and escape into a world one was never supposed to belong to. Bwhahahaha!

I’m sure she never suspected she’d have to contend with her own creations. That’s the only way I can explain her total lack of preparedness. After all, she created me, so one would hope she was usually more up to snuff in terms of international espionage and hostage situations.

And that, my dear peons, as they say, is that. By the by, I did not receive nearly as many tributes as I expected yesterday. You have one last chance and then – llamas.

Alpaca vs Landsquid: The Results (Plus the Comfort Books Theory)

Anne reminded me yesterday that I’d never truly ended the Alpaca/Landsquid/Sky Shark battle in any sort of fashion.

For those of you too lazy to go and find the results of the poll (myself included), here’s how things resolved themselves.

30% of people voted for the Landsquid.
35% of people voted for the Alpaca.
35% of people voted for the Sky Shark.

Now, I was pleased that everyone was so close, but Anne informs me that the Sky Shark should have won handily and only didn’t because Ian was strong-arming people into voting for the Alpaca, and I’ve got a Landsquid who won’t come and help me do anything because he’s sulking with a box of Cheez-Its and a bottle of whiskey under the stairs.  So.

As to the Comfort Book theory, my theory was that people’s comfort books would either be something they read very early on in life or would be something that they’d read during a difficult time period, but I don’t think I got enough data to make any sort of conclusions on that front.

Alpaca vs. Landsquid: The Aftermath

Phew!  I am exhausted, but I am home, and it seems like a good time was had by all with my lovely guest bloggers.  Much thanks and love to KD, Ian, and Anne, for their stimulating pieces on interspecies warfare.

To wrap up our epic battle, I thought I’d let you, Squiders, vote on which creature you think would win in a fight.  (Also, I must figure out how on Earth I’m going to follow that.)

Quick reference: Landsquid, Alpaca, Sky Shark

Alpaca vs. Landsquid: A New Challenger Appears!

Today’s post is brought to you by the effervescent Anne Marie.  Anne writes YA urban fantasy and allows me to foist new music on her on a regular basis without complaint.  She also adores pancakes despite being allergic to them.  You can follow Anne on Twitter at twitter.com/annemariewrites and stalk her at http://annemariewrites.livejournal.com.

I must apologize to both KD and Ian, as this whole week was a lead-up to today. Kit and I are nefarious and clever. You see, no one really cares about landsquid or alpacas when there are SKY SHARKS in the air. 
 
1. How can anyone feel threatened by landsquid when you can ply them with a thimble full of dry scotch? You don’t even have to buy the good stuff. And it’s not like they do topless dances on the bar afterward for the entertainment value alone. They slump over in the booth and talk about how no one likes their shoes. Sky Sharks make their own hooch in cloud distilleries.

2.    Landsquid will help you if you give them Cheese-Its. Sky Sharks don’t need help. They’ll take your Cheese-Its, and maybe your arm. Depends on their mood.

3.    Landsquid giggle like hamsters but worse. So much worse. Add in cheesy crumbs and all that drunken sobbing and you’ve got a whole lot of squidly mess. When drinking, they’re prone to inky discharges. Doesn’t that one word alone put you off landsquid for life? Discharge!

4.    Then there are alpacas. Hooves of Doom vs Jaws of Doom, who do you thinks going to win that one? Like I need to tell you how delicious shredded alpaca meat is. It goes great with everything from rice to Cheese-Its to sides of landsquid eggs.

5.    Alpacas think they’re so high class with their monocles and canes. This is only to hide the terrible smell of their unwashed fur. This is what happens when you take a filthy pack animal and put a silver spoon in its mouth. In the morning, they’ll still be filthy and you’ll be wondering what happened to your spoon.

6.    Alpacas think they have the element of disguise. You only need a disguise when you’re hiding something. Sky Sharks need no such pretense. They rule the *expletive deleted* sky. (See “Snakes On a Plane” for clues to that one.) They’ll sneak up on you before you even know what’s happening and you’ll be worse than Jonah.

7.    Sky Sharks are the most graceful of creatures. They combine aquatic fluidity of motion with lightness of air. In the same movement, they can dive from great heights and level out faster and more delicate than a jet engine. They have row after row of razor sharp teeth to make any fight a little pointless. You don’t want to mess with a Sky Shark. Fighting a Sky Shark with any weapon is like going into a nuke war with a toothpick. They will pwn you. Then they will tell their friends about it.

8.    No one who has ever seen a Sky Shark has lived to tell the tale. No really, do you know anyone? They’d knock at your door and say, “Pizza delivery.” You’d ask, “Who’s there?” Sky Shark, “Candy-gram.” And then you’re dead! Not only are you dead, but there isn’t a body to collect evidence.

9.    This hasn’t, however, touched on the scariest fact involving Sky Sharks. This thing is so scary that only the highest echelon of the Australian government has knowledge. Well, and me … and now you too. The only reason I know is because I am a mad hacker. Okay, everyone, brace yourselves. The secondary flag of the country of Australia has nothing to do with Union Jacks or six stars on a blue background. The secondary flag is, in fact, a Sky Shark riding a Giant Spider. Hide your kids! Hide your wife!

10.  So’s your face.
 
It’s a dangerous place out there, kids. Keep your eyes on the skies. And if you do see a Sky Shark, I don’t really have any advice for you. Guess I’ll see you on the other side, brother.