Common Writing Problems: Dependent Clauses

Good morning, Squiders! I think this will be the last of the bad grammar sections we do before we move onto different storytelling elements.

To start off with, let’s review what a dependent clause is. A clause, according to Google’s dictionary, is “a unit of grammatical organization next below the sentence in rank and in traditional grammar said to consist of a subject and predicate.” Clauses come in independent and dependent types. An independent clause expresses a complete thought. A dependent clause does not.

Examples of dependent clauses:

• during the summer
• after class
• in case of emergency
• when I said that
• because she said so
• when I was young

As you can see, these are not complete thoughts and require more information to make sense.

NOTE: Dependent clauses can further be broken down into adverbial, adjectival, and nominal types, but they all function more or less the same way, so we won’t be going into that level of detail here.

Dependent clauses can go at the beginning of a sentence:

When I said that, I didn’t mean it.

The middle:

My brother, who is younger than me, studies finance.

Or the end:

I didn’t mean it when I said that.

Dependent clauses can be delineated with commas, but whether or not they should be involves the meaning of the sentence. Let’s look at an example.

I ran away after the dog chased me.

I ran away, after the dog chased me.

Do you see how the meaning is slightly different? Adding a comma loses the sense of immediacy, making it seem like the dog chasing wasn’t the cause of you running away. Whether or not commas are included depends on whether the clause is essential to the meaning of the sentence.

But the biggest issue I’ve seen with dependent clauses as an editor is a problem with subject/verb/object agreement between the dependent and independent clauses of a sentence.

Look at this sentence:

Dancing away, my eyes lit up.

Let’s parse this out. Dancing away is the dependent clause. It can’t stand on its own. The independent clause is my eyes lit up. The subject of the sentence/independent clause is “my eyes.”

Which means the subject of the dependent clause is also “my eyes.” My eyes are dancing away?

Here’s another one:

Hanging in the lobby, I noticed the new pictures.

The subject of the independent clause is I. I noticed the new pictures. When you apply that to the dependent clause, I am hanging in the lobby, not the pictures.

This is a tricky thing to notice. We’re taught as writers to make sure we’re varying our sentence beginnings, lengths, etc. to make sure our writing doesn’t sound or feel repetitive. Adding a dependent clause to the beginning of a sentence–and this issue is almost always only found on beginning sentence clauses–is an easy way to do this.

It’s easier to see with shorter clauses like these, but occasionally you’ll have a longer dependent clause at the beginning, practically sentence length, that is so far separated from the main body of the sentence that it’s easy to miss that the subject of the clause is different than the subject of the main part of the sentence.

They’re hard to catch as well. A lot of times they’ll sound okay when read out loud, or they’ll sound slightly wrong but it won’t be immediately obvious what the issue is. If something seems wrong, look at your clauses and check what subjects they’re pointing to.

Well, squiders, thoughts on dependent clauses? Subject agreement? Ways to teach yourself not to do this?

Dress rehearsal tonight, then practice for the other concert. Wish me luck!

Aaaaaaahhhhh

Good afternoon, Squiders! (Though it’s inching onto evening at this point…) I hope you all had a lovely weekend! I didn’t have to host anything so mine was quite nice indeed.

We’re into tech week for my musical review. We started on Sunday, and on we go, three hours a night, until Thursday. Friday’s off, and then the performances are on Saturday. Ha. Haha. We got a new song last night which tells you about the general put-togetherness of the whole thing.

The music sounds lovely, for the most part, though there are still a few songs that are a bit shaky (ironically, the new song actually already sounds pretty good). Mostly it’s songs where we’re expected to do something as well as sing, but not always. Also there is a children’s choir singing songs which I was unaware of until Sunday. Ha. Haha.

We finally got the order of the show sometime at the end of last week and are expected to have it memorized by Saturday, which may be wishful thinking. Said show flow also included a ton of new lines for people, so that’s also been interesting. (My sole line–“Uh, I don’t think so”–has luckily been easy to remember.)

This whole thing has been very interesting. I love the people and the music is super fun, so whether we sink or swim on Saturday is kind of moot for me (also it is a free show and the audience shall be plied with cookies and cocoa). I think we’ll probably pull it together. Everything always seems to do so, no matter the odds. And, as I said, the singing sounds good, and isn’t that really what you need out of a musical review?

In other news, people from the shows have been bugging me to join the choir, and so I have, at least for the big Christmas concert. This is an hour-long concert that they do during church service, so I figured we were talking 3-5 songs (since there are children’s choirs and bells and brass and all sorts of various musical groups included) but I got handed 10 different songs last night, all of which are 4 or 8-part pieces. And the concert is on the 10th.

Ha. Ha?

At least for choir, we get to hold the music in our hands. So thank goodness I don’t have to memorize all those, just know how they go.

Just know that I will probably be a little frazzled for the rest of the week.

And probably next week.

We should still have a common writing problem on Thursday. But I’m going to hold off on picking a readalong book until next week or the week after. I’ve done what I tend to do around the holidays, and that’s descend into cozy mysteries. I mean, if everyone’s into cozies we can totally do that, though it’s somewhat out of the scope of this blog.

(I’m on my third in the last two weeks. I read a Poirot book, and then the latest Meg Langslow–How the Finch Stole Christmas–and am now onto the first of a cozy series called To Helvetica and Back which was recommended by the cozy mystery group on Goodreads. And I love punny titles and also font jokes, so…)

Anyway! If you have cozy recommendations, let me know. I’m not generally one for baking-related cozies, but other than that I’m pretty open to themes, and if the baking ones are good, I’ll read them too. I’m really not picky. And otherwise, I shall see you on Thursday!

Common Writing Mistakes: Pronoun Confusion

Full confession, Squiders–this is something I had problems with for a LONG time. (Doing this today because I make no guarantees about Thursday.)

What is pronoun confusion? Well, take a look at this example:

Doug and Larry decide to go to the coffee shop from some of their seasonal coffees. He decides to get a peppermint mocha while he decides to get a pumpkin spice latte, because miraculously this shop offers both at the same time. Unfortunately, his coffee is burned and the whole thing tastes bitter.

Who’s doing what?

Who knows?

Pronoun confusion is where you have a pronoun that either cannot be directly tied to the proper noun or is tied to the incorrect noun.

As a quick refresher, a pronoun is a word that replaces a noun, such as he, she, they, or it.

The above example shows a situation where the pronoun “he” cannot be tied to either Doug or Larry, so the reader has no idea who is doing what.

Here’s an example of a pronoun tied to the incorrect noun.

Laura and Susie are on a tour of wine country. They have decided to ride bicycles between the wineries just in case. At their first winery, Laura decides to start with a nice, big Cabernet Franc. She decides to have a Riesling.

Who is “she” in that last sentence? If you think about it, you’ll probably decide it’s Susie, since we already know what Laura is having. But you don’t want to have your reader have to stop and think to figure out what’s going on.

Our brains automatically assume that the last appropriately-named noun that fits is the one that goes with the pronoun. So in this case, a reader’s first thought is going to be that we’re still talking about Laura.

These are fairly simplistic examples. The real issue comes when you have two characters (usually of the same gender) doing a complex action together. Fight scenes can be the worst offenders of this, with “he drew his sword to fend off his blow” and other such sentences, but pronoun confusion can sneak in anywhere.

So, how to you guard against pronoun confusion? The first step is just to be aware that it exists. Keeping “Is it clear who is doing what” in your head as you write can help a huge amount. It can also help to re-read complex sentences after you write them to make sure all your pronouns are pointing the right way.

Take special care with “it.” It’s especially easy to stick in without properly referencing an appropriate noun. Here’s an example.

Georgie has three pets: a turtle, a cat, and a dog. It is especially friendly.

Which pet do we mean? Who knows?

To fix a sentence that has an improperly used pronoun, you have two options:

1. Add the noun in in place of the pronoun. (“Laura sighed and put her arm around Susie’s shoulders,” as opposed to “Laura sighed and put her arm around her shoulders.”)
2. Rewrite the sentence so the pronoun is either not needed or obvious. (“Bob told Jerry that he didn’t like the way he looked at his wife” versus “Bob said, ‘Jerry, you don’t like the way I look at your wife.'”)

How about it, Squiders? Is this something you’ve had issues with? Any other advice for avoiding it?

Common Writing Mistakes: Speech Tags

Happy Friday, squiders! Today we’re going to continue on with our series on common writing mistakes. We’re still in our first section, which is basic grammar/bad writing issues.

Today, we’re going to discuss speech tags. Just to be absolutely clear, speech tags in and of themselves are not a bad thing. You need them in many cases so it’s clear to your reader who’s talking. The problem is that people tend to feel they need to be “creative” with their speech tags, which can lead to issues.

A speech tag is a word to indicate someone is talking, such as “said,” “asked,” or “replied.”

Issue #1: Improbability

The first rule of speech tags is that they have to be something you can do with your mouth. In most cases, you do not speak with your hands, your head, your body, etc. Some of this is a punctuation problem. For example, you do not need a speech tag if the speaking character immediately does another action, but the two sentences cannot be connected.

WRONG: “It’s this way,” he gestured to the right.
RIGHT: “It’s this way.” He gestured to the right.

The second rule of speech tags that it has to be a sound you can make while talking. People often use words like “laughed” or “snorted” as a speech tag. However, people cannot easily laugh and talk in the same breath. People laugh, then talk, or they talk, then laugh. They can try to talk while laughing, but that’s something else altogether.

Issue #2: Distracting Modifiers

This is somewhat related to the filler/crutch words we discussed last week. This is something a lot of beginning authors do before they’ve figured out how to better express what their characters are trying to say, either through a stronger speech tag, the dialogue itself, or by replacing the speech tag with an action. Often, these take the form of an adverb.

Here’s an example: “That’s terrible,” she said sadly.

It’s not the worst sentence known to man, but there are stronger ways to show that the character is sad. Her shoulders could droop. She might look like she’s going to cry. Her voice could be shaky or waver.

Another example: “I hate you!” he said loudly.

Here you could use a better speech tag, such as “yell” or “scream.” You could also have the character do something, such as stomp away or ball his hands into fists.

Issue #3: Too Much Variety

You occasionally come across writing advice that says something along the lines of “Don’t use boring ol’ ‘said’! Here’s 500 other words you can use instead!”

Noooooo. No. Don’t do this. This sort of advice seems to inspire people to use the strangest and “most creative” speech tags they can think of, and to make sure they never repeat one. That’s not the point of the advice. It actually ties into issue #2, where you’re using too many adverbs as modifiers. Sometimes it is better to have someone beg or imply or protest. It’s truer to what you’re trying to convey.

But it is not an excuse to have someone bellow and your next character gloat and the one after that respond and the one after that whisper. The point is not to use a word that may not properly describe what you want just because it’s creative and special. That’s distracting to your reader and obnoxious. The point is to make sure you’re being precise.

And in most cases, you should use said. Most people just say things in most situations. And the nice thing about said is that it disappears into the narrative, so all readers take from “Barney said” is that Barney is the one currently talking.

This advice is also trying to avoid the “Bob said, Julie said, Linda said” issue, which we’ll address in issue #4.

Issue #4: Talking Heads

Have you ever seen a conversation like this?

“Look, I’m not okay with this,” Linda said.
“Do you think I care?” said Bob.
“Well, you should,” Linda said.
“I don’t care either,” said Julie.
“You stay out of this,” Linda said.

Man, all those saids are a mess, aren’t they? Let’s see if this is any better.

“Look, I’m not okay with this,” Linda yelled.
“Do you think I care?” snorted Bob.
“Well, you should,” Linda sniffled.
“I don’t care either,” inserted Julie.
“You stay out of this,” Linda snarled.

It’s not. Unfortunately, that’s what too many people do with the advice from Issue #3, when the problem is actually that what you’ve got a classic example of talking heads.

Talking heads is when your characters are just standing around, apparently doing nothing but talking. It’s boring, and it’s unrealistic. People don’t stand around and do nothing while talking. They fidget. They take sips of their drinks. They move around.

“Look, I’m not okay with this.” Linda stood, her chair tipping.
“Do you think I care?” Bob didn’t bother to look up from the letter he was writing.
“Well, you should.” Linda stalked over to the window, folding her arms across her chest.
“I don’t care either,” said Julie, sitting up straighter.
“You stay out of this.” Linda looked away from the rain just long enough to glare at the younger woman.

That’s not an amazing example, but it’s getting better. It’s fine to have a couple lines of dialogue where the characters don’t do anything else, but beyond that it gets boring. It can also help to help internal thoughts or feelings mixed in, depending on what your point of view is.

Well, squiders, did I leave anything out? Other issues with speech tags that you’ve noticed?

Creative Endeavors and a Readalong?

Hey, squiders! I hope you’re having a good week! Mine hasn’t been excellent, but what can you do?

As you guys know, I’ve been working on some other creative endeavors recently aside from just writing. (I did get two short stories written at the end of October/beginning of November, so hooray!) The first is a musical review of Christmas songs from musicals and movies, and I also just finished up a drawing class at my local rec center.

The musical review has been…interesting. We have our last rehearsal tonight, where we’re learning a dance for the first time. And then there’s no rehearsal until tech week starts after Thanksgiving. I shall be very interested to see how that goes. Also, we haven’t run through the show in any way or form–I have no idea what order the songs go in. I’ll admit to being a bit anxious about that. I haven’t done a musical review before, but I have done plays and musicals, and the order is so important. Maybe, because there’s not a ton of flow, it doesn’t matter so much. Maybe we’ll just get a list of songs backstage so we can check where we are.

Who knows? Not me!

I’m singing tenor on most of the songs. There’s…five? guys in the show compared to about twenty women, so the balance was off. And I can sing tenor, though it does make my throat hurt after a while. So that’s ALSO been interesting, especially since I’ve forgotten how to read a tenor clef.

(Also, I’m singing harmony on “Welcome Christmas” from How the Grinch Stole Christmas, which is proving difficult since I’m so familiar with the melody, but as long as I get off on the right foot I’m okay. Ah, the struggles of not being a soprano.)

(Also, why do the sopranos always get the melodies?)

Have you done musical reviews, Squiders? Is it normal to be so disconnected?

My drawing class was an interesting experience. I enjoyed having two hours to myself every week to do nothing but draw. Not sure I learned anything, though. Here’s a picture of some trees I drew.

I’d like to say I’ve been keeping up with the drawing, but I haven’t. But maybe I can institute drawing time with the small, mobile ones? They get crayons and construction paper. Well, the bigger one can have markers, but the smaller one draws on herself and my couch, so no markers for her.

I’ve been pondering doing another readalong, but perhaps instead of getting stuck in what might be a terrible series (here’s looking at you, Finnbranch trilogy) we could try doing a single book every now and then. I’ve just started Connie Willis’ Doomsday Book which might be a good one (big though–600 pages), though I do have some older scifi and fantasy that I picked up at MileHiCon.

What do you think, Squiders? Would reading a single book and then discussing it be something you’d be interested in?

We’ll talk common writing problems again on Thursday.

Common Writing Mistakes: Filler/Crutch Words

Let’s jump into our common writing mistakes series, squiders! We’re tackling grammatical and just plain bad writing mistakes first before we get into more complicated topics. And today, we’re going to look at filler and crutch words.

So we’re all on the same page, a filler word is a word that’s added into a sentence that isn’t actually adding anything to its meaning. People do this while talking as well as while writing, but these words are insidious because in most cases people don’t realize they’re doing it. A crutch word is very similar to a filler, in that it’s a word you fall back on because it’s familiar and easy.

Here are some common filler/crutch words:

• very
• honestly
• actually
• just
• like
• anyway

You may have a filler or crutch word you use more than others. Mine is “honestly.”

NOTE: A crutch word can be a word that is being useful, such as a verb like “smiled,” but it becomes a crutch word because it’s being overused.

Be aware that phrases can also be crutches. If you find you’re reusing the same phrase a bunch (“each and every,” “it might be hours, days, weeks,” etc.) you might be using it as a crutch as well.

There’s a couple of ways to check and see what your filler and crutch words are, such as picking a few pages of your manuscript and reading through them, circling suspicious words. Or, if you don’t trust yourself to catch them, you can ask a friend to read through, or use a feature such as Word’s AutoSummarize tool. (NOTE: Word’s AutoSummary tool has been removed from newer versions of Word.)

By knowing what your filler and crutch words tend to be, you can keep an eye out for them while writing or, if you find that’s not helping your flow, look for them specifically when revising and editing.

While fillers and crutches are related, fixing them works slightly different.

Remember that a filler word is a word that is not adding any meaning to a sentence. These are easier to catch in a revision phase than a writing one. When you’re revising and you come across a filler-type word (like just, very, really, etc.), look and see if the word is pulling any weight. In some cases, such as dialogue, these words can occasionally be left alone, because people do use fillers when they’re talking. Also look at adjectives and adverbs, which can be fillers as well. Is there a stronger word that can be used? (“hurried” instead of “walked quickly,” for example)

A crutch word is a word that you overuse. If you know what yours are going into writing, sometimes you can cure yourself of the habit just by being aware of it. You might create a new crutch word or words, however, so it’s good to check during revision. Whereas filler words can usually just be cut, crutch words are often providing some worth to the sentence, so you may need to do some rewriting.

WARNING: Don’t just go through with a thesaurus when switching out crutch words! While words may have a similar meaning, or, in some cases, you might find a better word than your original one, often times the words in the thesaurus won’t match your concept exactly. Rewriting to keep your concept clear is a better idea than just switching out a word when possible. A look is different than a gaze, etc.

What are your go-to filler and crutch words, squiders? Any more thoughts on how to catch what yours are and fix them?

Review: Entromancy by M.S. Farzan

Good morning, squiders! Today I’m bringing you Entromancy by M.S. Farzan, which is a fun mix of science fiction and fantasy.

BLURB

2076 is not a good year to be a special agent. A quarter of the world’s power runs on ceridium, a newly discovered element that has had the unintended consequence of spawning a new race of people, and several forms of magic that were once thought to have been forgotten. Eskander Aradowsi is an agent of NIGHT, a paramilitary force created to contain and control this new perceived threat, but he soon learns that not all within his organization is as it seems. A botched mission turns out to be the least of his troubles, when he unearths a plot that threatens the uneasy truce between the aurics and humans of San Francisco, and centers on a form of magic that toys with the very fabric of the universe: Entromancy.

 

EXCERPT

I turned into a tiny cul-de-sac, passing a hand over the cruiser’s console to turn off the engine.  I stepped off of the vehicle and unraveled my long coat, adjusting my lenses to see better in the dim light away from the main thoroughfare.  Moving casually but silently, I walked to the mouth of the alley and peered down the side street towards the storefront, a large corner location masquerading as a legalized Oxidium dispensary.  Unlike the larger buildings surrounding it, the shop was comprised of only two stories, with dark, nondescript windows facing out towards the intersection.

Reaching into a pocket, I opened a small packet and slipped a ceridium capsule into my hand.  I held it out in front of me and made several deft, practiced gestures, scanning the street around me to ensure that I wasn’t drawing any undue attention.  With a final pass of my hand, I crushed the capsule and tossed the contents over my head in a brief flash of blue.  I could feel my skin tingling slightly as the spell took effect, shrouding me in a gentle mist that would hide me from all but direct eye contact.

I quietly padded down the street towards the location’s opposing corner, filtering the different readings coming through my lenses and being recorded onto my digitab.  A handful of night porters were working a block away, loading furniture into a large truck.  Two street people slept under the cover of an awning, bundled even during the unusual heat.  Several parked cars lined the roadway, all but one appearing cold in the IR scan.  From my vantage, the storefront looked quiet and empty, as expected.

The timer on the upper corner of my lens display read 21:04:05, forty-one minutes before the place was set to blow.  Plenty of time.

 

REVIEW

I’m giving this a 4 out of 5.

I am in love with the worldbuilding on this one. Seriously, it’s amazing. It’s hard to write science fiction with fantasy races and have it make sense, but by jove, I have now seen it done. The book is almost worth it just for that aspect.

Luckily, it’s also good in other ways. The writing is good, the characterization is good, the plot is slightly predictable but still eminently readable, and, seriously, A+ on the worldbuilding. There are some infodumps throughout that could have been shortened or spread out better, and there is a FAIRLY MAJOR piece of information about the main character that’s not revealed til about halfway through that I’m a bit annoyed about, but overall, I really enjoyed reading this one.

I’d recommend picking this up if you like a good mix of science fiction and fantasy.

 

BIO

S. Farzan was born in London, UK and grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area. He has a B.A. in Integrative Biology, M.A. in Religious Leadership for Social Change, and Ph.D. in Cultural and Historical Studies of Religions. He has written and worked for high-profile video game companies and editorial websites such as Electronic Arts, Perfect World Entertainment, and MMORPG.com, and has trained in and taught Japanese martial arts for over ten years. He also enjoys soccer, baseball, and games of all kinds.

( Buy the Book |  Website | Twitter )

 

The author will be awarding a $25 Amazon or B/N GC to a randomly drawn winner via rafflecopter during the tour.

Enter to win a $25 Amazon/BN GC – a Rafflecopter giveaway

Common Writing Mistakes Intro

Okay, squiders! We’re going to dive into the common writing mistakes series now on and off for the next month or so. I’m thinking the book will be divided into a couple of different sections: 1) a basic intro, 2) a discussion of common writing mistakes and how to spot them/fix them, and 3) general fixes that can be applied to a variety of writing wrongs and just to help improve it overall. I’m thinking we’ll do 1 and 2 here on the blog and leave 3 for the book.

I’ve got a variety of writing mistakes identified which basically fall into the following categories:

1. Voice/point of view issues
2. Pacing and structure issues
3. Plot issues
4. Grammar issues (just plain bad writing)

REMINDER: If you want me to touch on something, let me know!

So what makes something a “common” writing mistake? A lot of it comes from being a less experienced writer. Writing a book can be a hard thing to do, and there are a ton of things to remember, from what color that character’s eyes were on page 5 to what you named your fictional quaint seaside town, let alone where your major plot points need to be.

Some of it comes from being unfamiliar with your genre of choice. If you’re writing a mystery but aren’t used to the conventions of the genre, it can be easy to miss things.

But one way or another, a “common” writing mistake is one that probably most, if not all, writers will make at one point as they learn their craft. I’ve made most of these. But the good news is that you can learn what these mistakes look like, and you can learn how to stop making them, or at least how to fix them after you do.

We’ll dig in next Thursday, starting with grammar issues, since those are more universal across all forms of writing, and some of the other ones are more applicable to fiction specifically.